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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26615260">Solum</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/AndreaRyan/pseuds/AndreaRyan'>AndreaRyan</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Blood and Injury, Canon Compliant, Death Eaters, Falling In Love, First Kiss, Hogsmeade, Hogwarts, M/M, Magic, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Patronus Charm (Harry Potter), Slow Burn, mentions of murders, mostly - Freeform</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 05:34:52</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>20,560</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26615260</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/AndreaRyan/pseuds/AndreaRyan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Solum - latin, meaning: alone, only.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>26</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Insomnium</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span><strong>Insomnium</strong>, noun, latin. <strong>Meaning:</strong> Nightmare, wakefulness, bad dream. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p>
<h2>
  <span>Prologue: Insomnium </span>
</h2><p><span><br/>
</span><span><br/>
</span> <span>Remus could not sleep. He closed his eyes, calmed his breathing and did his best to calm his mind, too, but sleep just wouldn't come. Outside, the moon was but a crescent shape. It only just began to grow back, giving him a little under two weeks of power over his body before it got burnt down in pain and curse yet again. </span></p><p>
  <span>The boys all slept, peaceful and worn down by the first classes of their seventh year. It had gotten cold, but it always seemed cold inside the castle. The thick stone walls never warmed properly unless forced with a spell. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Knowing sleep would not be granted to him that night, he got up, took James’s cloak and the map, and slipped out of the room, invisible. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The astronomy tower became his haven. There, he tended to find peace. Tonight, it only added to his anxiety as he watched the night sky intensely as if the moon could grow within minutes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He opened the map, the familiar promise falling off his lips with ease. There wasn’t much movement on it. This was not unexpected in the middle of the night. What surprised him was a name which moved. It moved around the Gryffindor common room and out into the halls of the castle. It moved across the stairs, and, with little pauses, it kept moving. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus watched as Sirius stopped in front of the astronomy tower, and for a second he thought that maybe Sirius was looking for him, and that he would come up, and they would talk until the sun rose and then Sirius would fall asleep during their classes, but he wouldn’t complain once. Fantasies like this preoccupied his mind lately. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But then he went away and Remus followed his name for a bit as he saw him walk out of the castle and towards the forest. With a sigh he folded the map again. He didn’t want to see this. There was probably another name somewhere in the woods, waiting for Sirius to find it. Another girl, another conquest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus reached into his dressing gown and broke off a piece of dark chocolate. He chewed on it slowly, savouring each bit. He looked at the moon again. Sometimes, he felt a strong connection with it. As if they had their own little secret. Not like lovers or friends, just two beings sharing...something. On most nights, the moon was his nemesis, his greatest horror which grew with its shape. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He returned to their bedroom when the sky changed colours. Sirius was back, too, splayed on his bed with his blanket thrown side-ways over him, leaving one of his legs uncovered. Remus took a step forward and nearly reached for the blanket to adjust it, but then he just shook his head and climbed under the covers of his bed. He fell asleep, but it was a dreamless sleep which ended an hour later when he had to get up again. </span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>At breakfast, he waited for Sirius to boast about last night. He would never share details, throwing in the mysterious and cocky: </span>
  <em>
    <span>“Gentleman never tells.”</span>
  </em>
  <span>, but he liked to point out that </span>
  <em>
    <span>something</span>
  </em>
  <span> happened. That his life was interesting and he once again did something he was not supposed to. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sirius didn’t say anything that morning or at lunch. When they sat at their transfiguration class, Sirius leaned to him and whispered: ‘Where were you last night?’ </span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘I couldn’t sleep,’ Remus replied vaguely. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘You took the map and the cloak,’ he noted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus felt his forehead wrinkle, but he forced his muscles to soften before Sirius could notice. Was that his worry? Where the objects were? He remembered his stupid vision of Sirius searching for him last night and he cursed himself silently. By now, he thought he would get over his ridiculous crush. This was their last year. He had to get over it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Sorry. Did you need it?’ </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sirius didn’t reply at once and when he did, all he said was: ‘It doesn’t matter now.’ </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>No, </span>
  </em>
  <span>Remus thought, </span>
  <em>
    <span>it doesn’t.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>Later that day, Pete sat down next to him in the library. Remus looked at him, awaiting something that might be said, but the boy did not speak. His fair hair was messy and sticking out in every possible direction, but one that could appear elegant, and his cheeks were red. Peter opened his notebook and grabbed his quill and he stared at the blank pages. Remus waited for a little longer before he offered: ‘Need help?’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Peter looked up, a small, bashful smile forming on his lips. ‘History of magic homework,’ he explained.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Alright, tell me what you need,’ Remus said, pulling his notebook a little closer. From a corner of his eye, he noticed a movement at their table. When he looked up, he only caught a glimpse of Sirius, his robes bellowing behind him as he rushed between the long lines of bookshelves. He was rarely this enthusiastic about anything in the library but the Restricted Section. Certainly not this early in the year. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He would usually leave everything to the last possible moment and then he would beg Remus to help him. He would wrap his arms around Remus and he would press himself to his back, wailing in his ear until Remus agreed that yes, he will help him, just so he shut up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He watched Sirius for a bit. He searched through the bookshelves frantically, pulling one book after another and pushing them back in. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Odd.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Moony?’ Peter addressed him softly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Sorry,’ Remus murmured and returned to Pete’s homework. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Some lines later, Sirius passed their table again, a book pressed to his chest. Remus couldn’t see its name, but Sirius’ expression was enough to know its content must had been at most interesting.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter I: Fidelis</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Remus remembers when he realized his feelings for Sirius and James attempts to seduce Lily one more time.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><strong>Fidelis</strong> - <em>adjective. <strong>Meaning</strong>: faithful, loyal</em></p>

<h2>
  <span>Chapter I: Fidelis </span>
</h2><p>
  <b>
    <em>Two and half year earlier: </em>
  </b>
</p><p>
  <span>Each centimeter of Remus’ skin hurt. It burned in some places, dull pain overtook the rest. Something trickled down his cheeks, but he couldn’t distinguish whether it was blood from a new scratch wound, or tears. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Curled to his side, he was unable to open his eyes or make an effort of standing up. In the depths of his consciousness, the boys were screaming his name. It echoed through the forest, but his mind was a mess, unstable and collapsing, and he could not make out a single word. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Moony,’ someone said next to him, ‘hell. James! Pete! Here!’ A second later, something was laid over him and with it a sense of warmth he didn’t know he lacked until that moment. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘It’s ok, Moony. We’re here now. It’s ok,’ the voice whispered, and Remus could only vaguely understand that he knew the voice and what it was saying, but at that point, his mind wasn’t in a state where he could make a meaning of it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was lifted a little, not fully, and then his head was on something soft and warm instead of the dew covered grass. His hair was pushed away from his face, and his body was moved from side to side gently. Someone was rocking him, he realized after about a minute of this consistent show of kindness. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Oh fuck. Remus. Can. You. Hear. Me?’ This was another voice. It was above him and it was loud and strong and the person pronounced each word carefully.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus murmured something incoherent even to himself, and then he was lifted up and pressed to someone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘I will take him,’ the second voice offered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘No,’ said the first. The voice that cradled him. A voice he slowly started to recognize as his mind settled. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Sirius,’ he said as soon as the name came to him. Somehow, it was the most important word of them all and there was nothing else he could say. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Right here, Moony. Don’t worry, we will patch you up.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus opened his eyes. One was puffy and the swelling only allowed him to open it slightly. Squinting, he saw Sirius’ face. The receding softness in his cheeks which was slowly turning into sharper features. His eyes, dark and full of worry and shoulder-length hair that was now tainted with mud and leaves. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Let’s take him to Dumbledore,’ James suggested. That’s right. James was the second voice. They finally started to fall back into the correct columns. Sirius and James. He assumed Peter was there, too, but his eyes were closed again and he didn’t feel like opening them to check. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘No, we have to get him to the hospital wing,’ Sirius protested quickly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Remus said no one can know. Dumbledore said it, too. We have to take him there. He will know what to do,’ James decided, the leader in him coming through.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Take me to our room,’ Remus said as loud and clear as he could manage in his state.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘But Moony.’ Peter. This was Peter. Remus smiled. They were all there with him and Sirius cradled him in his arms. Even on his loneliest nights, they never left him. </span>
</p>
<hr/><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus fell asleep almost immediately after being put into bed. Warmth enclasped his body like a cocoon and his sleep was deep and dreamless. When he woke up, not sure how much later, he felt something wet on his face. He hummed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Sorry about that, just cleaning your wounds. I didn’t want to wake you up.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus opened his eyes to see Sirius with his hair tied back. He looked a little older like this. Remus wasn’t sure if it was just him growing up from his boy years or if it was the worry that was rooted there under the seeming facade of carelessness. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘It’s fine. It’s kind of pleasant,’ Remus sighed. ‘I need a bath.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Yeah, you do.’ Sirius laughed. ‘Didn’t want to say it, but Merlin, you stink.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus chuckled. Tired and worn down. ‘You always know just what to say.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘It is my second greatest skill in life,’ he announced proudly, a wide smile crossing his face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘What’s the first?” Remus asked, watching Sirius intensely as he rinsed a handkerchief in a bowl of water and lavender.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The boys only just started to get better at healing spells and so, this simple help was all they could offer. He didn’t mind. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Finding your ass when you get yourself beat up in the forest.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Well, thank Merlin for that. Otherwise I might still be there, or I would be trying to find my way to the castle, completely naked.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sirius laughed and this time, Remus thought, it was honest. ‘That would be a show worth waiting for.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Well, maybe next month,’ Remus replied automatically, but the words just reminded him of the inevitable. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>That this would repeat next month. By now, he thought he would be used to it. He barely remembered the time in his life when he wasn’t like this. The last year, however, made the full moons worse. He wasn’t sure if it was for the same reason why Sirius’ face slowly lost its softness or if there was another. He wasn’t even sure if it was true or if it was all in his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He slept a lot after the full moon. He never found out if it was something that was common for werewolves, or if it was just his unique case. He read everything he could about lycanthropy, but the books were rarely meant for werewolves and therefore provided little help. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was woken up from one of his many naps by the boys arguing about something.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘It’s time we have to do it now. We can’t let him go through this alone any longer,’ Sirius said with urge tinting his voice heavy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘He looked really bad this time,’ Pete added to the conversation, voice much softer and less pressed then Sirius’. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘I mean...not that I don’t agree with you. I don’t like him being there alone any more than you do, but...are we ready? I mean, do we have all that we need? I don’t want to mess it up, if someone finds out-’ James was interrupted by Sirius.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Well then they’ll find out. I don’t care. He is one of us.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘You don’t really think someone would find out, right?’ Pete asked, clearly trying to sound braver than he was. ‘One of the books said you can go to Azkaban. I really don’t want to go to Azkaban.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘We won’t go to Azkaban, Pete,’ Sirius assured him, but he did it so quickly and hastily it barely seemed to mean anything. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus frowned softly. He assumed the conversation was about him, but he couldn’t decide whether he should pretend to be asleep or if he should make himself known. Eventually he chose the first option.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was silence in the room and he thought that maybe the boys figured out he was awake and he was about to make a show of waking up, but then James said: ‘Alright. Yes, of course I am in.’ He chuckled. ‘He would do the same for us, but I hope I’ll be something cool. If I end up a worm or something, it will slim my chances with Lily.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘I didn’t think your chances with Lily could get any slimmer,’ Sirius teased and the three boys erupted into a fit of laughter after a loud thump that could only mean that someone (probably James) pushed someone (probably Sirius) on the bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When the spell was done and all the boys finished their transition and after they broke the law for him and after they ran around the forest with him on the full moon and after Sirius howled at him, he knew. He knew that he was utterly fucked. </span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <b>
    <em>Present Day:</em>
  </b>
</p><p>
  <span>‘That was low, even for you,’ Sirius said, laughing as he entered the bedroom with James by his side. James rolled his eyes and took off his glasses to clean them with the hem of his cloak. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘It wasn’t that bad,’ he defended himself, but Sirius betrayed him by looking at Remus and mouthing: </span>
  <em>
    <span>It was.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Remus chuckled. ‘What happened? Another attempt at asking Lily out?’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>James threw himself at his bed. ‘Is it that obvious?’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus hesitated. ‘Well...yes?’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>James grumbled something and Sirius went to Remus’s bed and he pushed his legs aside so he could sit down. Remus watched him for a bit, but he didn’t say anything.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘So, are you giving up?’ Remus asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>James’ head snapped in his direction. He put his glasses back on. ‘What? Of course not. I just need a plan. Long and detailed one with alternative versions in case one of the steps goes wrong.’ He sprung off the bed, smiling. The next moment, he was by Remus’ other side and his arm went around Remus’ shoulders. ‘And I could use someone smart to help me with it.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus clapped his book close. ‘Is that supposed to be me?’ he asked, amused. James’ obsession with Lily was on for so long, it became ridiculous. But then again, he could only laugh at him as much. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Yes.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘If you don’t do it, he will have to ask someone else,’ Sirius added in. ‘Pete. Or Snivelus!’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus rolled his eyes. ‘Oh God, ok. What is the master plan?’ </span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>Master was a word that didn’t pair well with any of James’ plans. In fact, it was nearly an antithesis of what they were. But Remus still agreed to it, because there was very little James could come up with he would not agree with. At the end of the day, James turned into a stag every month just for him, just so he wasn’t alone, so, being part of his mad schemes was the least he could do. Even when it involved Sirius dressed in a girl's uniform. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘So,’ Sirius began, laying on his back on the ground in an attempt to put on black stockings. He grunted and rolled to his side and Remus watched the struggle intensely. He didn’t know if he should offer to help or not. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘I am going to be at the yard with Prongs and you bring Lily there and you make sure that she doesn’t come close enough to see that it’s actually me, ok?’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Do you really think she will bite that?’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘I am an excellent actor,’ Sirius said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus narrowed his eyes. His acting was about as excellent as James’ plans were </span>
  <em>
    <span>master</span>
  </em>
  <span>. But he had to admit that after years he still somehow managed to keep his secret. Secrets. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lately, he thought, Sirius was getting a little too good at them. He never explained where he went the night when Remus couldn’t sleep, who he met or what was so pressing that it dragged him into the library. And now he pretended like none of it even happened and that everything was like it always was and Remus decided to play with him, because he didn’t know what better he could do. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sirius pulled the second stocking on and he fixed his skirt. Remus had no idea whose uniform it was and what Sirius did to get it and he wasn’t sure he wanted to know. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Well, how do I look?’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus looked him up and down and tilted his head to the side. ‘You look like you. In a skirt.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Damn it,’ Sirius murmured. He ruffled his hair and let out a sight. ‘Ok, help me braid my hair. That will do the job.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus doubted it, but he obliged and sat on one of the beds with Sirius, and he started braiding his hair in two neat braids. Sirius’ hair had gotten longer over the summer. He knew him long enough to know that his hair got longer the more stressed he was. During the summer, he only sent Remus a letter to tell him that he moved in with James. When Remus asked why, he joked, but never truly explained. Maybe, James didn’T know either. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘I could cut your hair sometimes if you want to,’ Remus offered as his fingers braided three thick strands of Sirius’ hair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sirius didn’t answer at once and when he did, his voice lacked the humour he heard in it throughout the afternoon. ‘I am fine, but thanks.’ </span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘No worries,’ Remus assured him automatically as he finished the second braid. ‘Ok, ready for your date with James.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Great!’ Sirius jumped up and twirled around before he ran out of the room. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A few minutes later, Remus walked the hallways with Lily, discussing their transfiguration homework. He purposefully led her outside, where they sat on the railing. He scanned the yard for James or Sirius, but there was no sight of them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘What are you looking at?’ Lily asked, peaking out, too. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Nothing,’ Remus muttered quickly, turning the conversation and his head away from the yard. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Not even two minutes later, James’ voice rumbled through the yard, making it a little too obvious he wanted to be noticed. ‘Did I tell you you look ravishing?’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A high pitched giggle escaped Sirius’ lips and Remus took a deep breath in. Lily stopped mid-sentence and turned her head to James who was leaning against one of the columns with Sirius squirming in front of him, his back to them. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Idiots</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Is that James and…Sirius in a skirt?’ Lily asked. It took her even less time than he thought it would. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus considered covering for them, but he knew that Lily was way too smart for that and at this point he thought it might help James more if he explained why Sirius was pretending to be a random girl.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘He wanted to make you jealous. And Sirius offered to dress up so you would think James is talking to a girl.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘That might be one of his worst plans,’ Lily stated, still watching the scene. Sirius was currently twisting one of the braids on his finger. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘I told him.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Will he ever give up?’ </span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘I don’t think so.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And to Remus’ surprise, Lily smiled. </span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>‘So, what did she say?’ James asked later that day. Sirius was back in his regular uniform and his hair was even curlier than usual as he undid the braids. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Did she say I look pretty?’ Sirius added even though Remus had not answered the previous question yet.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘No,’ he said hesitantly. “But I am sure she thought you did. And, she didn’t really say anything. Just that this was your worst plan.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘You told her?’ James cried out, eyes bewildered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘She figured out it was Sirius the second she saw him.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘You should have shaved your legs,’ James hissed at Sirius. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘I don’t think that was what gave him off,’ Remus said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘This is hopeless,’ James sighed and for a second the room was quiet. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then Remus pulled out chocolate from his nightstand and he offered it to the boys. Breaking off a piece, James smiled at him. ‘Thank you,’ he said, not making it clear whether he was thanking him for the chocolate or his help in his not so successful plan. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He offered some chocolate to Sirius next, but he just shook his head, the shadows that Remus he saw before were looming back.. Maybe now when he didn’t have James’s plans on mind, he had to return to his own thoughts, whatever they were. Remus knew better than anyone how irritating it can be. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘I’ll go for a walk,’ James announced. ‘I have to think.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘It’s getting dark,’ Remus reminded him, but he knew it wouldn’t stop James. He wasn’t trying to anyway.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>James reached for his cloak. ‘I won’t be long,’ he promised.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Where is Pete?’ Sirius asked when James was gone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘I think he’s catching up on homework,’ Remus said, sitting down on his bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sirius nodded and Remus watched him unsure of whether he wanted silence or not. Sirius always needed something going on around him. It was rare he would spend his time in quiet and when he did, it was with Remus, often high in the castle, overlooking the grounds. But maybe, Remus thought, he was not doing it because he needed quiet, but because he knewRemus needed it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Are you alright?’ Remus asked, turning the chocolate in his hands before he put it on his nightstand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sirius turned his gaze to him, a bright smile splitting his face as if it was always there, but Remus knew better. It was not honest. ‘Yes. Why? Shouldn’t I be?’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘I don’t know, that’s why I am asking. You are quiet lately.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Just tired.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus hesitated. Should he press or not? Eventually, he nodded and moved closer to the window. Together, they watched as a single tree shook in the nonexistent wind as if someone was climbing up its branches. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you all for reading, I hope you enjoyed the chapter. Chapter two will be published next Friday. Thank you for your kudos and comments and if you want to see more, go to my TikTok for some HP related videos that I am about to publish in the following days, I am sort of in the middle of editing most of them. </p><p>https://linktr.ee/AuthorAndreaRyan - you can find all my links here. :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter II: Miserabilis</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Things go wrong during a Quidditch match. Or do they go just right?</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <h2>
  <strong>Miserabilis - <em>adjective.</em> Meaning: <em>Miserable, pitiful, heartbreaking</em></strong>
</h2><h2>
<br/><br/>Chapter II: Miserabilis </h2><p> </p><p>'Has it begun?' Remus asked as he squeezed between Pete and Sirius who were saving him a spot at the otherwise full arena. </p><p>The sky was dark grey with large lumps of fluff gathering on it with threatening rumbles in the distance. The wind picked up. Sirius waved his wand and a piece of ribbon tied his hair. Remus watched with fascination as the red piece of silk tied around the raven locks and curled into an elegant bow. </p><p>'Does it look like it?' Sirius teased, one eyebrow up.</p><p>Remus raised his eyes to the dark sky again which was yet to be filled with students on their broomsticks. 'Right,' he muttered and fixed his coat.</p><p>Silently, Pete offered him candy and Remus accepted it gratefully. </p><p>The pitch filled and almost as soon as the game began, the clouds released the water they were holding onto, and it came pouring down. Remus lifted his wand towards the sky and charmed an invisible umbrella above them. </p><p>Sirius ceased his cheering after a bit, probably realizing that he was still dry, and he looked at Remus, grinning gratefully. </p><p>Quidditch never held much interest for Remus. The excitement of it quickly died down soon after he learnt about it, and he came to the games for the simple purpose of being there for James. He assumed that Pete came with a similar agenda, while Sirius was fully into it. So much, it surprised Remus he never tried for the team.</p><p>In a couple of minutes, the rain got so strong it was almost impossible to make sense of the smudged figures that moved in it at terrifying speed. A lightning split the sky so close to the field, some students let out an organized shriek.</p><p>'Is it safe if they keep going?' Remus asked, calculating the chance of James or another student getting hit by the lightning. </p><p>'They played in worse condition,' Sirius replied, though it didn’t particularly assure Remus. </p><p>'I am sure Dumbledore would stop the match if it was dangerous,' Peter added helpfully and Remus smiled at him.</p><p>'You’re probably right,' he agreed, the tenseness in him loosening a little. Just as he found James again, a branch - or possibly someone’s broken broom - came spiraling through the pitch, it headed for James and knocked him off his broom. </p><p>Remus sprung up to his feet, James’ name escaping from his lips as he watched his friend falling down, only to be pushed and twisted in the strong wind. Just as he was about to hit the ground, someone slowed his fall. Remus looked up to where the teachers sat, McGonagall’s wand was up.</p><hr/><p>'He looks awful,' Remus commented.</p><p>'Yes, but he’s hurt so it’s not nice of you to point that out now,' Sirius joked.</p><p>'You know how to cheer someone up,' James groaned, slowly opening his eyes. His head was bandaged and the right side of it was swollen and slowly turning from pink to purple.</p><p>'It’s not my fault you’re ugly,' Sirius kept teasing. </p><p>James laughed and then hissed in pain. 'Did we win?'</p><p>'You were hit in a head to the point when it knocked you unconscious and the first thing you’re worried about is who won?' Remus asked, knowing well enough that he should have expected this from James.</p><p>'Well, yes?'</p><p>The boys laughed. Peter offered an answer: 'They didn’t finish it.'</p><p>'There’s going to be a rematch, so you better pull yourself together, Gryffindor could use some extra points,' Sirius said.</p><p>'I’ll try my best.' </p><p>'Is he up?' A voice asked behind them. They turned to Lily who slowly walked towards James’ bed. </p><p>'Oh, Lils! You were worried about me!' James exclaimed with such excitement, his voice filled the whole hospital room. </p><p>'I am just checking if they’ll have to pick a new headboy,' she said, but her smile gave her up. </p><p>'We should go,' Remus prompted. James would surely appreciate alone time with Lily.</p><p>'Yes!' Sirius added quickly, catching on Remus’ plan. 'We have the-'</p><p>'Thing,' Remus finished weakly. </p><p>Sirius nodded frantically. 'Yes! The thing!'</p><p>'We’ll come back later!' Peter promised as the two boys grabbed his sleeves and dragged him away. </p><p>'Man, he is so lucky.' Sirius sighed  as soon as they left the hospital wing.</p><p>Peter tilted his head to the side, puzzled. 'Because he got hit in the head?'  </p><p>'Yeah! That’s the last thing he needed to get with Evans. Lucky bastard.' </p><p>Remus smiled. For a second he considered the possibility that James was the reason for the storm, and he did all of this on purpose, but then he shied the thought back. If James was planning to meddle with the weather, he would ask Remus to help. No, as far as getting hit in the head goes, James was truly just lucky.</p><p>'Do you think it will help him? After the whole jealousy fiasco?' Remus enquired, mostly to entertain himself as they walked to the common room. Now that he knew that James was awake and probably exactly where he wanted to be, he could relax. Outside, the wind still billowed and attacked the windows in strict intervals.</p><p>'Today might be the day,' Sirius declared.</p><p>'Huh,' Pete let out, his face not offering much to determine how he felt about the whole situation. </p><p>'The Hogsmeade trip is coming up,' Remus reminded. 'He might ask her on a date.'</p><p>'I mean, he will definitely ask her,' Sirius said, 'but this time, she might say yes.' </p><p>Remus laughed, but he knew Sirius was right, James wouldn’t pass on any opportunity to ask Lily out and he was probably as aware of the advantages of this situation as Sirius. And Lily seemed unusually entertained by their last stunt... </p><p>Times were changing. </p><p>'Hey, I need to stop somewhere, so, go ahead?' Peter announced suddenly as they reached the stairs. The remaining two Marauders exchanged a short glance, and in unison, they mumbled: 'Sure.'</p><p>'That was odd,' Sirius stated when they entered the common room. </p><p>Peter rarely tore himself away from the group. He was fixated on them in a way that no other member was. Wherever they went, he stuck with one of the boys as if they were his shields from the outer world. None of them ever commented on it or minded it. It was what it was. </p><p>'Yes,' Remus replied eventually. They sat down in front of the fireplace. </p><p>When looking at the flames for too long, Remus would swear he saw them take shapes. Some resembled beasts, some were vaguely humanoid. He was never quite sure if other’s saw them too or if they were even there or if it was just his imagination playing tricks on him. Hogwarts had its secrets, maybe this was one of them. Even in his last year, he could not say he understood the place. </p><p>'The trip is just three days before the full moon, are you sure, you’ll be...you know, up to it?' Sirius asked suddenly. </p><p>The reminder was like an elbow to the ribs. Painful and annoying and Remus wished Sirius wouldn’t have asked. But he understood the reason behind it. After so many years of knowing each other and sharing the secret, Sirius knew possibly better than anyone how badly it affected Remus. He could never be quite himself around that time of the month. Sleep became impossible, nightmares played tricks on him, eating became difficult, eventually breathing did too. It was a vicious cycle. Painful and uncompromising. </p><p>'Yes. Three days are fine,' Remus assured him. </p><p>Sirius nodded and changed the topic. 'What if Peter disappeared because he has a secret mistress?' His voice suddenly mused in the cheerful melody of someone who was well equipped to entertain themselves with their own imagination. </p><p>'Mistress?' Remus repeated, laughing. 'You might want to update your vocabulary, mate. Have you been reading muggle books again?' </p><p>It was about a year ago when Sirius came across some paperback novels with colourful covers with half-naked lovers in vaguely historical clothing. He would read them before they went to bed and sometimes, he even entertained the whole lot by reading out loud. When asked where he got them, he claimed to steal them from Lucius Malfoy, but Remus was betting on some poor muggle girl who was now missing her only source of entertainment she brought with her to survive the year.</p><p>'I have a great memory when it comes to literature.'</p><p>'I am not sure I would call that literature,' Remus murmured. He closed his eyes for a bit, enjoying how the fire felt close to his skin.</p><p>'Well my point is, what if Pete gets a date for Hogsmeade and James goes with Lily. We’ll look pathetic. It’s ok when there are four of us, but if they get dates and we don’t, then well, it will look bad.'</p><p>'I am not getting a date just because they might have dates. Not to mention that as far as we know neither one of them has,' Remus reminded him, but it didn’t seem like that did something to help.</p><p>'But if you don’t get a date, then I’ll have to spend the day with your sorry ass so you’re not alone.'</p><p>'Or no, please. If you are so eager to get a date, be my guest. I can quite entertain myself alone. Better than spending the day at Zonko’s with you.'</p><p>'You love Zonko’s!' Sirius protested. He did love it, but he was not willing to admit it. </p><p>'Unless of course you are just saying that because you can’t get a date.' Remus mentally cursed himself for saying that. It was dangerous to challenge Sirius. He would do anything to prove the other wrong. And, whether he wanted to acknowledge it or not, he didn’t want Sirius to get a date and spending the day with him sounded much nicer than he was ready to admit to himself. </p><p>'I can get a date and you know it, but I am not going to ditch you for a girl. If you’re not getting a date, I am not getting one either.' </p><p>'What happened to being pathetic?' </p><p>'Well, I guess we’re going to be pathetic together.' </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you so much for reading, I hope you're enjoying the story. Next chapter will be next Friday. Here is my linktree in case you want to see more from me on other social media:<br/>https://linktr.ee/authorandrearyan</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter III: Tenebris</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>It's time to take a trip to Hogsmeade</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><strong>Tenebris</strong>, <em>adjective</em>. <strong>Meaning</strong>: Dark.</p><p> </p><h2>
  <span>Chapter III: Tenebris</span>
</h2><p> </p><p>
  <span>Some days later, after James was released from the hospital wing with the most beaming face, the Hogsmeade trip was finally there. Though they went there many times before, and there was little to explore now, the trip was always a welcomed distraction from the everyday life at the castle. Knowing the number of trips they would take together before the graduation was low, Remus was prepared to enjoy each moment of it, regardless of his upcoming transition. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sirius was right. Lily did feel sorry for James. Or at least enough to give in after the many years in which she fearlessly turned the young Potter down again and again with increasing wit and decreasing patience. Peter, however, didn’t mention a date and so, the boys expected to spend the day as a trio (who would surely not stalk the pair).</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As soon as they arrived in the village, Remus knew something was off. He couldn’t put his finger on it, but the place felt different. He tried to blame it on the proximity of the full moon, or maybe the fact that he’s been here so many times before it started to lose its spell, but in the pit of his stomach, he knew there was more to it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Hey, why don’t you go ahead, I need to...take care of something,' Peter announced when James left with Lily.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus frowned. Was it possible that Sirius was right and Peter had a date? If so, why wouldn’t he share it with the rest of the group? Since when was Peter this mysterious? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Ok,' Sirius said. 'We’ll go to Zonko’s first and James is meeting us at the Three Broomsticks in the evening.' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Yeah, it won’t take that long,' Pete promised and smiled somewhat sad as he disappeared. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sirius grinned when Pete was gone. 'I told you - a mistress.'</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus rolled his eyes. 'You’re unbelievable.'  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sirius threw his arm around Remus’ shoulders. 'That’s why you like me. Well, let’s go Lupin, at the end, it really is just me and your sorry arse.' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Idiot,' Remus muttered, but he let Sirius lead him away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The stop at Zonko’s was certainly more for Sirius than Remus, but Remus could appreciate the cleverness that went into some of the inventions - he was at the end of the day a Marauder himself and the best pranks that the boys ever played were as much his success as theirs. He was even of the belief that some would never work were it not for his involvement.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Honeydukes was next. There, the two exchanged roles. Remus as someone who found devotion to some of their sweets and Sirius as someone who would always appreciate the chaos of Bertie Botts All Flavoured Beans.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They didn’t talk much, apart from moments when they shared an excitement over some product they found. As they walked out of Honeydukes, Sirius bumped into Severus Snape who was passing the store at an unfortunate time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Ew, Snivelus, watch where you’re going,' Sirius exclaimed without missing a beat as he fixed his leather jacket. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Severus glared at him, looking as displeased by finding himself in their company as Sirius. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Well maybe, you and your boyfriend should learn to step aside when there’s someone better walking their way,' Severus spoke in such a slow voice it sometimes sounded like a hiss. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Like a snake</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Remus thought. Real Slytherin. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'We will when we find them, but until then </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span> watch </span>
  <em>
    <span>your </span>
  </em>
  <span>way,' Sirius said. He grabbed Remus’ elbows and dragged him away, completely ignoring the remark about boyfriends that somehow found its way under Remus’ skin like an unyielding cold.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Fuck, I hate him,' Sirius muttered as they walked away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Yeah,' Remus affirmed. 'Do you know he called Lily a mu-well, you know what. The M-word.' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'He did what?' Sirius growled a little too loud, drawing people’s attention to them. He turned around, clearly planning to attack Severus and possibly rip his throat out with his teeth. Remus’ arms wrapped around him with all the strength he had. He pressed Sirius close to his chest, holding him tight as he writhed and barked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Calm down, she doesn’t need us to defend her honor,' Remus reminded him calmly, even though his initial reaction wasn’t too different to Sirius’.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'I fucking hate him, I fucking hate all of them.' Sirius spat on the ground, but ceased trying to escape Remus’ hold. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'All of them?' Remus repeated, not sure who all was accounted for in the statement. Ready to grab him again if necessary, his arms slowly released Sirius. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sirius took a deep breath in, his eyes still darting into the door where Severus disappeared mere seconds ago. He ran his hand through his hair, pushing it back. A part of it turned to one side, creating a side part on it. Messy. </span>
  <em>
    <span>And beautiful,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Remus’ mind added involuntarily. 'Yeah, all of them. Him, Malfoy, the whole lot of them. They think they are better than everyone else. Like some sort of blood-royalty. And all that just because they are pure bloods. Who gives a fuck about their lineage.'</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lineage. Even though the current target was Snape, Remus knew that that was the key of his anger. Lineage, pride. The anger at his own family. Sirius never fully explained why he left his family or if they threw him out. James and he announced the news as something light and funny, but it wasn’t hard to read the hidden message there. One doesn’t leave family all of sudden just to live with his best friend. No. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was also no secret that Sirius hated his family. There were only a few members he treated with an ounce of respect and kindness, his younger brother Regulus being one of them. Remus even had a theory that Sirius was sorted to Gryffindor just purely out of spite and to get back at his family, but he knew that, at heart, Sirius was a true Gryffindor. Perhaps more than Remus was himself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Family is not blood,' Sirius would tell them often, 'we make it ourselves. I made mine.'</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Hey, let’s get out of here,' Remus suggested with a smile, hands in his pockets. A step towards a side alley, then another one, his smile grew. He knew Sirius well enough to know he would follow. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sirius muttered something under his breath, possibly a curse or two or three and he headed in Remus’ direction. Silence overtook them again, and when they found themselves outside the Shrieking shack, Sirius cursed out loud this time: 'And fuck this place, too.' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Fuck everything?' Remus suggested, slightly amused by Sirius’ temper. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Small chuckles slipped past Sirius’ lips. 'Not you of course.'</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus laughed too, but suddenly nervous. When he didn’t reply, Sirius continued the conversation on his own. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Though Snivelus probably thinks I fuck you.'</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus couldn’t tell if Sirius minded or not. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'He was just trying to get under your skin,' Remus said. 'I don’t think he thinks that.' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'He can think I sleep with the whole Marauders for what I care,' Sirius said. 'but he shouldn’t get away with calling someone the bloody M-word.' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They stared at the Shrieking Shack in silence after that, the sounds of the village filled with merry students but quiet echo. Remus hated this place, too, but students rarely came here, apart from a few younger ones who were dared to do it by their friends, but even those would never come as close as Remus and Sirius. And no one knew it as well as Remus. Remus had his own intimate relationship with the place. Its dust and splinters getting caught in his hair and skin and his blood soaking the wooden floors.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wondered what would happen to the place after this year was over and Remus no longer came there every month to fuel the rumours, the fear. What would happen to it when the shrieking was gone? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Is this where you’re moving now that you left?' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Better than the Black mansion for sure,' Sirius snapped.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Regulus nodded and drew a circle in the dust with the tip of his shoe.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus hesitated. 'You know what, I’ll go ahead. I’ll wait at the three broomsticks.'</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Moony, wait!' Sirius exclaimed quickly, but his fingers failed to catch Remus’ arm as he bolted forward, away from the siblings. He was already some meters away, their conversation nothing but a distinct sound. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus hasn’t spent much time with Regulus. When they were younger, he would sometimes run to Sirius even though they were in different houses, but as they grew older, they grew apart in the same measure. Now, when he was almost, but not quite, an adult and his voice changed, Remus barely recognized it was him before he turned around to see the skinny boy, messy dark hair and big eyes that finally stopped looking too large for his face. It was only then, as they stood there Regulus’ eyes veiled with exhaustion that shaded the pale skin around them, when he realized how much he changed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He took a few more steps, hands in his pockets, when Sirius’ voice cut through the air. 'You idiot!' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus turned. Sirius was holding Regulus’ wrist, but he couldn’t tell what forced the reaction out of Sirius. He frowned, unsure if he should go there and make sure if his friend was alright or walk away and mind his own business. Just as he stepped back in the direction of the Shrieking Shack, Regulus tore himself from Sirius’ grip and stormed away as if Remus wasn’t even there.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The growl that ripped through Sirius’ throat next was loud and animalistic and it awakened all of Remus’ instincts at once. Pushing past his wolf nature, he headed to Sirius who poured his anger out on some stones, kicking them around. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'What happened?' Remus asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sirius looked at him, eyes red and teeth sharper than usual. For a second, Remus thought he would turn into a dog and run away. 'Nothing,' he snapped.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Something obviously happened,' Remus pressed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'I said it’s nothing.' Sirius’ voice was dark, and he pronounced each word carefully as if they were the only thing keeping him from losing himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Alright,' Remus breathed out eventually. And then, suddenly, his arms were around Sirius as he slowed down his inevitable fall after his knees buckled under him. He let out a cry that was worth keeping the stories about the Shack alive. His fist collapsed with Remus’ chest and then again, but that only tightened Remus’ grip on him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'I fucking hate them. The whole lot of them!' Sirius shouted for the second time that day. This time, Remus didn’t ask who he meant. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They sat there on the ground until Sirius’ breathing calmed and he stopped shaking. The sky turned darker, decorated with fading orange and pink bordure low to the ground. Sirius shifted, so he was no longer pressed to Remus.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Sorry,' he whispered simply.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Don’t be.' Remus offered him some chocolate and Sirius gratefully took a piece, already knowing the drill. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After that they got up and headed to the Three Broomsticks where James and Lily sat with Peter and Alice and Marleen. Lily’s fingers were braided with James’ and Remus smiled at them. At least someone enjoyed the day. When he looked at Peter, however, his expression was empty and he seemed like he wasn’t even there with them. After all, Remus was right. Something was wrong at Hogsmeade that day. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you all so very much for reading, I hope you are enjoying the story so far, next chapter will be up next Friday. All the love!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter IV: Pietas</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>It is the night before full moon and nightmares force Remus out of bed.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I am sorry for the late update, I was sorting something important and had no strenght to publish on Friday. The next update should be as usual. Thank you for reading and enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <h2>
  <span>Chapter IV: Pietas</span>
</h2><p>
  <em><strong>Pietas</strong>, noun. <strong>Meaning</strong>: Kindness, devotion. </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The skin came apart in ribbons and crimson streams poured out of it like precious wine. Soon, the person was but a memory. Under his claws were remnants of dark hair and blood that had yet to dry. The moon slowly faded on the horizon which lit up with bright colours with a red drop rising on it like a large balloon. With it, Remus’ body started to return. His skin was dirty and only dressed in blood and mud. This time, it was not his. He looked down at his hands, and then over them and to two grey eyes staring at him in sheer shock. They would only close once after that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Remus, what have you done?' He looked over his shoulder where James and Peter stood next to each other, still and with neutral faces as if they were not even there. As if they were just ghosts. And that’s when he saw the other bodies. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'No.' The sight brought him to his knees.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'No!' he screamed as if he could bring the boys back to life.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'No!' he screamed again, sitting up on his bed. He grabbed his wand and casted a quick Lumos to see the state of his hands. Some old scars, broken nails, no blood. No. It was just a dream. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Remus.' Sirius’ face appeared in the glow of his wand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'You’re ok,' Remus breathed out and before he could stop himself, he wrapped his arms around him and he pulled Sirius close, just to make sure he was real. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Yeah, are you?' Sirius asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Moony, why were you shouting?' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus looked up to Pete in his pyjamas who was joined by James putting on his glasses just a second later. He slowly let go of Sirius who now sat at the edge of his bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'I am sorry. I had a nightmare,' Remus admitted. He rubbed the bridge of his nose with his thumb and his index finger and he closed his eyes just for the terror of the dream to return. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'It’s ok,' James whispered into the night as if the darkness couldn’t bear a louder voice. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Yeah, don’t worry about it,' added Pete, just as quiet and kind. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'I didn’t want to wake you up,' Remus said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'It really is fine,' Sirius assured him. He was the loudest of them. He always was, but even he spoke a little quieter. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'I...I think I need to walk for a bit. Get some fresh air,' Remus said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sirius jumped up. 'I’ll go with you.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'We all will,' James said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Yeah,' Pete beeped. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus smiled at them. </span>
</p><hr/><p>
  <span>It was the last night before full moon and nightmares were an old friend to Remus. Especially at this part of the moon cycle. But they were rarely this bloody or this vivid or even...this personal. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The boys put on their cloaks, and then they huddled under the invisible cloak. A thing that had become harder and harder with each year which passed. That was one of the reasons why they barely used it all at once any more. The closeness, the pressing to one another, tips of their fingers against the fabric, brought so many memories. The countless nights when they roamed the castle, causing mischief. Something that became even easier when the map came to its existence. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They slipped out of the castle easily. In the distance, grey puffs of smoke lifted from the chimney of Hagrid’s hut, and ravens screeched in the forest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The forest was where they headed. They sat on the mossy ground, cloak off, and James closed his eyes and lifted his face to the sky as if it was sunny and he was trying to soak in its warm rays. Remus had a theory that the pleasure James found in simply wandering the woods had nothing to do with growing up or changing nature, but rather the deer inside him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'You haven’t bragged about how it went with Lily yet,' Remus reminded James just to get his mind off what was happening. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>James’s head snapped in his direction, grin overtaking his face. 'Well, all the years, all the planning was obviously worth it. She is utterly smitten, gentlemen.' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'She held your hand, Prongs. That’s far from being </span>
  <em>
    <span>utterly smitten</span>
  </em>
  <span>,' Sirius teased. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus pulled his knees close to his chest and rested his head on them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Oh she did more than that!' James exclaimed into the night.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus’s eyebrows shot up in surprise, he didn’t expect more. His lips slowly curled into a smile. It was nice to see at least one of them happy. And maybe when this year was over and they wouldn’t see each other so often, and none of this would be any more, he would get over Sirius, and he would find comfort in whatever his life would be. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'She let me kiss her cheek,' James bragged, pride practically beaming out of him. Remus rolled his eyes, but his smile remained. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'You kissed her cheek before!' Sirius cried out as if he was exposing someone at court. He grabbed a handful of leaves and threw them at James who tried to protect himself from the blow by folding his arms in front of his face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Well yes, but this time she let me.' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The three remaining boys let out a long: 'Oh,' in unison as they all realized what he was saying. There was no chiding after or a slap. Lily let him kiss her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Well, congratulations, mate. You are officially the lamest person ever,' Sirius declared before he lied on the ground.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Oh, you’re the one to talk!' James defended himself and not even a minute later, the two of them were rolling on the moss in a friendly fight that ended with Sirius sitting on James’ stomach with a victorious: 'Ha!' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'What about you, Pete, where did you go in Hogsmeade?' Remus asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'I had to meet someone,' Pete said, unusually mysterious.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'A girl?' James asked, slightly out of breath due to Sirius still being seated on him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'A boy?' Sirius said before he could even answer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Well yes,' Pete said eventually, though Remus wasn’t sure which one it was. 'But not how you think.' It wasn’t hard to tell he didn’t want to talk about it and so, Remus didn’t press him. To his surprise, neither did the other two boys</span>
</p><hr/><p>
  <span>They returned to the castle before dawn broke out. It was still quiet, and even Hagrid’s chimney stopped smoking. Hogwarts was to wake up to another day while for the Marauders, the previous day was just coming to an end. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A hint of familiar guilt settled in the pit of Remus’ stomach. While he could easily ditch classes today without facing consequence, the other boys didn’t have the same privilege, and they wouldn’t get more sleep the following night either. But there was no point telling them to stay behind this full moon, they would never listen and...having them there made all the difference. Even though he didn’t know about their presence after a certain point of the transition. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'I’ll get you Lily’s notes,' James offered when they came back to their bedroom, just in time to change into their uniforms. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'I am going to classes today,' Remus said. 'You were up because of me, it wouldn’t be fair if I went to sleep now and you had to go to classes.' And he didn’t want to risk the nightmare returning.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sirius frowned and let out a confused snort. 'Eh, no? You are not. You should rest as much as you can before tonight. It will only be worse if you don’t.'</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'And we don’t mind. You would do the same for us,' James said, making it sound as if he let him copy his homework (which was usually the other way around) and not spending nights in the forest or facing the danger of being with a werewolf during his transition or becoming an illegal animagi.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> 'Yeah, but, I want to. Ok? It will help me not to think about tonight,' he lied, already stripping off his pyjamas before the boys got the chance to say anything </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Just so we’re clear, your stubbornness is much worse than your lycanthropy,' Sirius stated and to his own surprise, Remus laughed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>At their second class of the day, Remus suddenly felt something heavy drop on his shoulder and when the smell of pines and sandalwood attacked him just a second later, he knew Sirius fell asleep on his shoulder. As if knowing exactly what had happened the previous night and what would happen the next one, McGonagal let him be. And perhaps, she knew. Remus could never quite tell. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Something big is going to happen in the next chapter so, I hope you are ready!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter V: Transformatio</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>It's the full moon. Nothing will be the same after it.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span><strong>Transformatio</strong>, noun. <strong>Meaning</strong>: Transformation.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><h2>
  <span>Chapter V: Transformatio</span>
</h2><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The first full moon Remus spent at Hogwarts came only nine days after his arrival to the school. An awfully cruel timing on the part of nature. He was told he would be given a safe place to transform, but that didn’t change anything about how foreign the situation was. It was Dumbledore himself who came into his bedroom in the evening and took him away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Go to sleep, it is getting late,' he told the other boys. Remus looked over his shoulders to see their curious looks, and he wished he could be one of them. Just a regular boy with friends. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dumbledore held his hand as they walked out with Madam Pomfrey. Remus liked his beard and his hat. And the fact that it matched with his cloak and he promised himself he would get a similar one when he was older (that was before he actually grew older and realized how ridiculous he looked in the outfit, and that it was only good for making his friends laugh). </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'I thought we were not supposed to come here,' Remus reminded Dumbledore as they walked closer to the Whomping Willow. The wizard smiled at him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'I am pleased to know you paid attention, but this is an exception. You are.' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dumbledore waved his hand and the mighty tree ceased its movement just long enough for them to slip inside it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus expected to find a lot of different things inside the tree, but none appeared as mundane and simple as the place they found themselves in. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'You will be safe here. This is all I can do for you, I am afraid. This, and a promise that we will come again in the morning and we will take you back to the castle,' Dumbledore explained. Remus nodded hesitantly. He didn’t want to be alone, but even at the age of eleven, he knew better. This was for the best.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Later on, due to Dumbledore’s duties, it was only Madam Pomfrey who would accompany him to the Shrieking Shack, and as he got older, he was all on his own. Or rather he would be, were it not for the Marauders. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus stepped out of the castle, three pairs of feet padding after him. If anyone was watching, they would only see Remus, but he knew that he was not alone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Inside the Shrieking Shack, the three boys slowly turned into their animal-selves with encouraging smiles, while Remus sat on the ground, sweat collecting on his forehead. His skin hurt and he felt feverish. It was close. He looked at the large black dog who was lying on the ground, watching him with those big eyes of his and he tried to smile at him, but he knew it came out tired and hurt. Soon, he would lose himself. His mind would fail him and none of this, none of them would matter to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The pain grew and Remus buried his sharp nails into his skin. Sirius let out a hurt whine as if it was his skin being torn. He looked at where the beads of blood collected on his skin and then on Sirius. 'Sorry,' he whispered, but just a few seconds later, he repeated the same mistake out of habit. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His thoughts became blurry. He tried to concentrate on the presence of the other boys, the grey eyes boring into him, but no matter how much he tried, the wolf inside him was stronger and Sirius’ eyes were the last thing he remembered. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As Remus started coming back to himself, he knew something was not right. For a second, he remembered his nightmare and thought that it became true, but then he heard the familiar howl, and knew that whatever was happening had nothing to do with him. He was not the monster that night.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He put on his clothes that he previously removed for the sake of not ruining it, and he rushed after the sound. None of the boys were with him. This was highly unusual. Legs wobbly, and most of his strength gone, he almost crawled out of the hidden passage. Out of the reach of the infamous willow, he stood up and stared at the scene in front of him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Two dementors, which he only saw pictures of until now, were floating above the trio, Sirius barking at it. At first, Remus thought he was trying to force it to go away, but it quickly dawned on him, he was trying to get it to follow him. That idiot. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus reached for his wand. He knew the spell, but in this state and with the lack of practice, he was well aware of the low chances of casting right. Still, he got ready. But, he wasn’t fast enough.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cold and sadness overtook each inch of his body, crawling even into the most hidden parts of his brain. It was everywhere, and he couldn’t do anything about it. He couldn’t speak or move and casting a patronus was hopeless. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A column of light split through the meadow and it ran in the shape of a dog towards Remus. Within seconds - which felt like years to Remus - the dementors were gone and the feeling subsided. Sirius was running towards him, the other two boys turning into their humanoid selves, but before they could reach him, darkness swallowed Remus and he passed out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He woke up to the familiar smell of herbs and pumpkin juice. The stickiness of dust, mud and sweat was away as if it was never there. He opened his eyes to the brightness of the hospital wing which he was well acquainted with. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He expected to see the boys, or one of them, but instead, Dumbledore sat by his bed. 'You’re awake,' he stated. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Are the boys alright?' Remus asked, using all his strength to sit up on the bed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dumbledore put a hand on his shoulder. 'Don’t rush. Rest. Yes, your friends are safe. It was nearly impossible to get them to leave your side, but alas I convinced them they would be more useful to you if they got some rest first. I assume you would like to know what happened yesterday morning.'</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Yesterday?' Remus repeated. He was out for a whole day?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Yes, I am afraid that your transition combined with the attack made you pass out. That is to be expected.'</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus frowned at the calm tone. He couldn’t tell if Dumbledore was pretending or if he thought it was nothing unusual for Dementors to get into Hogwarts. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'What were they doing here?'</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'They were searching for someone at Hogsmeade. From what Mr. Potter told me, they got into the shack. I am not quite sure how. In order to get them from you, the boys acted as a prey and unfortunately, they attracted them to Hogwarts.'</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dumbledore didn’t seem to be surprised that the boys were with Remus on the night of his transition, and Remus couldn’t tell if he minded. If they were not there...he didn’t want to think of it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'You carry more pain inside you than most can think of. This makes you a target,' Dumbledore continued.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Don’t punish the lads. They went after me so I wasn’t alone. Maybe they even saved my life,' Remus said. It was enough that he was risking their safety and stealing their sleep. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Well, Mr. Black and Mr. Potter has earned so much detention they might have to stay in Hogwarts for two more years just to serve it, so it would seem pointless to add more. And it would be unfair to punish Mr. Pettigrew alone. Fifteen points off Gryffindor for their reckless behaviour and ten points to your house for the excellent casting of patronus by Mr. Black. I believe you will give them the message?' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Of course, profesor.' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dumbledore smiled at him. He reached into his robe and placed a bar of dark chocolate on the bedside table. 'To refill your endorphins,' he explained. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus smiled back at him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span> The castle was strangely quiet as Remus dragged his feet through the halls. It seemed like most of the students were gathered in the Great Hall. His stomach was uneasy after the transition and all he wanted was to be in bed again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He expected to find the bedroom empty, but as he opened the door, all the Marauders were there. They bolted up and against him and they collected him in a hug. He laughed and tried his best to hug them all back, but they pinned his arms to his sides and he couldn’t move until they let go of him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'How are you feeling?' Pete asked first. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus smiled and moved to his bed so he could throw himself on it. 'Decent,' he said eventually after giving it some thought. 'You?'</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'We’re fine. They didn’t do anything to us,' James explained.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'It was bloody stupid of you to try to chase them away,' Remus said, but then he turned his head to the side, so he could see them and his smile failed him. 'But also bloody brave. Thank you.'</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Anytime,' Sirius mused.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Dumbledore said they were searching for someone at Hogsmeade, but he didn’t tell me what happened. Do you know who they were looking for?'</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The boys exchanged meaningful glances and only when Sirius nodded as if he had the right to filter what gets to Remus. James reached for the Daily Prophet which was thrown on his bed. He handed it to Remus who lifted himself on one elbow to read the headline. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Muggleborn couple killed in Hogsmeade. </span>
  </em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter VI: Expecto Patronum</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The boys decide they must do something.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <h2>
  <span>Chapter VI: Expecto Patronum </span>
</h2><p>
  <span>Every single student at Hogwarts knew about Voldemort. Some knew more than others, but everyone </span>
  <em>
    <span>knew. </span>
  </em>
  <span>The attacks of his Death Eaters were no secret either. They would hear the news and they read it in the Daily Prophet. The stories flooded the hallways like a tsunami.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Somehow it always felt distant. Something that was far and that would not penetrate the walls of the castle. They were told to concentrate on their studies, their exams, while the world around them was falling into pieces. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Now, it was here and the thought of it was crippling. It consumed the whole of one’s being like the physical pain Remus was used to, but this time, it wouldn’t go away after a night or two. It ate its way through his conscience, until there was nothing else he could think of than the fact that what started as a rebellion, a dark movement, truly turned into a war. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hogsmeade. The place where his worst and best memories were created in equal measure. Place, where most of the students loved to escape to have fun and buy sweets. Hogsmeade, the place where all of them went less than 72 hours before the crime occured.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Was it...you know...him?' Remus asked, eyes scanning through the article. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'It doesn’t say. But it was probably some of his followers,' James said. He sat on a bed next to Remus and Pete quickly took a place next to him. Sirius didn’t sit down. He paced the room from one wall to another and again and again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The article mentioned that someone claimed to see their mark on the sky, but there was no proof of it. The crime happened in the middle of the night and almost everyone was asleep. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Merlin,' Remus murmured. 'This is…'</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Yeah,' James agreed even though Remus didn’t finish his sentence. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'The dementors were probably drawn to the Shack because of all the noises,' James said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus nodded. 'I know that...you-know-who is strong, but the fact that the Ministry is using dementors…' Again, he didn’t finish the sentence and instead he shivered. He folded the newspaper and he put it on the bedside table. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Padfoot,' Remus said to get Sirius’ attention.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He stopped and ran his fingers through his hair. 'What?'</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Stop pacing. You’re making me all nervous.' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Instead of a snappy reply, Sirius just mumbled: 'Sorry.' And he went to sit down on his own bed. His mind was clearly elsewhere. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus couldn’t take his eyes off him. Would he even be alive if Sirius wasn’t there? 'You casted a patronus.'</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Yes. Well, you need it,' he said as if it was the clearest thing in the world. Something that was so obvious, it was ridiculous to address it. He started tapping his foot, his heavy boots clapping against the wooden floor in a quick, frantic rhythm. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Well yes, thank you, but what I meant was: You casted a patronus on your own. A corporeal one even. Even Dumbledore seemed impressed.' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'I had to. They were hurting you.' Sirius still seemed confused by why the conversation was taking place. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus wasn’t sure how to explain to him that what he did was not just impressive, it was unbelievable. He knew Sirius was strong and smart, too, though he made sure no one knew, but this…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>James took the word instead: 'We should all practice them. At this point, the Defence Against Dark Arts we learn here is not enough. You should, of course, rest, Moony. But once you feel better, we should practice. Something tells me that this is just the beginning.'</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Only a few days later, the boys found themselves huddled under the invisible cloak again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Why do we keep doing things late at night?' Pete asked, yawning. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Because we don’t want to get caught doing them,' James explained, leading them forward. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>In front of them, the smooth stone wall changed until a gate grew between the stone and then it stilled as if it was always there. James reached for the handle and they walked inside a room which was anything but unfamiliar to them. They first came across the Room of Requirement in their fourth year and soon learned that it had a peculiar sense of humour as it often was the key element in the success of their pranks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>At any time of the year, the room was the perfect temperature and it even seemed that it was the perfect temperature for everyone in the room, even when each person there thought different temperatures to be perfect. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The boys lost the cloak and James folded it aside. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Let’s start with Patronus,' James suggested. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They created a square shape, facing each other. Remus tilted his head to the side and then the other side, stretching his neck. He tried to recall his favourite memory. A cheerful one. Strong one. He knew how this worked. If you didn’t pick a memory which held enough joy, the spell would be weak or rather wouldn’t work at all. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His childhood held little joy to him. Pain, fear, hiding. That he knew. And then came hope along with Dumbledore walking across their threshold. Was that enough? No. Not even in the slightest. As hopeful as it was, the memory was also tinted with fear of a little boy. No. He needed more. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looked around the boys. They were his best memories. They were the best of him. So many nights they spend laughing, causing havoc around the castle. Fighting their nightmares by being the nightmare of other’s at the castle. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His eyes stopped on Sirius when he realized that he was watching him. Remus tried to understand what was going on inside his head. Was he going through his mental library of happy memories, too? Was he watching him, because…? No, he shouldn’t allow himself thoughts like these. They were lethal, addicting. No. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Padfoot, you go first,' James invited Sirius who nodded shortly before he closed his eyes and took a deep breath.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'</span>
  <em>
    <span>Expecto patronum,' </span>
  </em>
  <span>he cried out then and a string of light flew out of his wand and hung above them. Remus expected to see a dog as the night when Sirius used patronus to save him, but instead, the light was shapeless. Still, it was impressive he could do it on the first try. </span>
  <em>
    <span>What was he thinking of? </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>When it was Remus’ turn, he could not set his mind on one memory. His thoughts were swirling in his head and somehow it seemed that every happy memory was more or less tinted with something dark. The specs of blood sprayed over it. Bigger at some places, nearly invisible at others. The small ones, the ones that could almost be overlooked, were the ones he tried to concentrate on. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He tried to grasp one of the memories. Sirius was cradling him in it and he wasn’t even sure if it was a dream or reality. Maybe it didn’t matter. Even if the happiest of him was a lie, it was still the happiest. And yet, he couldn’t hold onto it. He was too aware of the boys watching him. Of Sirius watching him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His wand gave a sparkle of light which died out almost as quick as it appeared and there was nothing. Remus frowned and touched the side of his neck shortly. He didn’t know what to say.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'It takes time to master it,' James reminded him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This line, this particular line, felt so allien coming from his lips, because it wasn’t his line at all. It was Remus’. Remus, ever a perfect student, was always the first to master spells and potions and he turned in the best homeworks and papers. He would tell them this exact line to appease them, to install patience in them, but secretly he always enjoyed the fact that </span>
  <em>
    <span>he </span>
  </em>
  <span>was the one saying it, because he could do it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'ofcourse,' Remus mumbled so quick and quiet, it melted into one, barely audible word. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pete was next and he couldn’t conjure it either. This loosened the tension in Remus’ shoulders a little. Selfishly, he was glad Pete couldn’t do it, because he couldn’t bear the idea of Pete being able to do something Remus couldn’t and that darkened his mood even more, because he hated that he thought like this about his friend.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>James was a little better, he casted incorporeal Patronus and he held it for a few seconds before it disappeared and he let out a grunt. 'Why don’t we practice this at classes? We should be learning more than basics. We never get to master a spell before we move on and we don’t learn to fight enough. Don’t you think it’s stupid? With everything going on? There were dementors in Hogwarts and we have to do this on our own. It’s ridiculous.' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>James let himself fall into a cross-legged position. The remaining boy slowly set down as well. The patience James was promoting less than five minutes ago was gone. Remus understood, he was thinking the same thing. It was ridiculous. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'To be fair, dementors were here because we led them in,' Sirius reminded them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A wave of guilt washed over Remus. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Because of him. </span>
  </em>
  <span>They led them in because of him, to save his sorry ass. But then he remembered that they would never be in Hogsmeade in the first place were it not for Voldemort.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They practiced for another two hours. The progress was not linneral. Sometimes there was nothing, other times the shape started reminding of an animal. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Last round. They decided for the last round. Sirius smiled at Remus and he nodded shortly, though Remus didn’t understand what the gesture meant, but somehow it settled him and when he casted his Patronus it took a perfect shape. A wolf. It shouldn’t have surprised him. What else would it be after all? He gritted his teeth, the memory slipping away again along with his wand. As it dropped on the ground with a melodic clank, the wolf disappeared. There was silence for a second.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then Pete broke the silence. He patted Remus’ back. 'Good job, Moony! You did it!' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Yes, good job,' Sirius agreed with a smile that seemed forced. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'I don’t know about you, but I am ready to go to bed,' James said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was the middle of the night and they expected the castle to be as quiet as when they walked to the Chamber, but as soon as they entered the hallway, they knew something was wrong. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The castle was awake, stirred, professors ran around, many in their night clothes. The boys had to be careful to avoid them. At one point, Sprouts nearly bumped into them and it was only avoided by Remus’ quick thinking as he pushed them in an alcove in the wall just as she was about to hit into them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They dropped the cloak right after they walked through the painting. In the common room seemed to be Gryffindors of every year, voices loud and melting into one chaotic confusion. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Where were you? We were so worried!' It was Lily’s voice that reached them just seconds before she pushed through a group of fourth graders and threw her arms around James’ neck. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'What happened?' James asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'There was another attack.' </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Not to hint anything, but the next chapter is one of my favourites of this novella.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter VII: Aperio</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Truth is said, secrets are revealed.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I am so sorry about the lack of updates! I was sweapt up with NaNoWriMo and uni and well...you know the rest :) I'll try to update more frequently now. :) Enjoy the chapter! I loved writing it!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><em>Aperio</em>, latin, verb, meaning: <strong>to reveal </strong></p><h2>
  <span>Chapter VII: Aperio</span>
</h2><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Another. </span>
  </em>
  <span>The keyword was </span>
  <em>
    <span>another. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Attack on its own would be serious enough, but the addition of </span>
  <em>
    <span>another </span>
  </em>
  <span>word that could be so easily overheard, was what made it so barbaric. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus shuddered and it took all of his strength to remain standing. The news was so purely evil and unforgiving, it almost didn’t seem possible to be real. Surely this was one of his nightmares, one he would, sooner or later, wake up from. Maybe he would be screaming and maybe there would be Sirius on his bed, holding him, cradling him. But it couldn’t be real, it just couldn’t. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>If it was </span>
  <em>
    <span>just </span>
  </em>
  <span>one attack, they could all pretend it had nothing to do with Death Eaters or their leader or their sick agenda. People die, wizards die. Sometimes, they are murdered. Two sets of murders in one village and barely a week apart? Too much of a coincidence to be taken lightly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Instinctively, Remus leaned to where he knew Sirius was standing behind him, but to his surprise, there was no one there. He looked around quickly. Unsure of how or when, but sure of why, he found Sirius absent in the room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'No,' he whispered quickly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>James was talking to Lily. He was holding her while doing so and Pete looked like he was ready to puke at any moment. After a short moment of hesitation when he simply told himself he would regret this, he headed to where he knew Sirius would be. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t get even halfway to the Slytherin dungeons when he saw Sirius pushing Regulus into the wall. 'Where were you?!' he shouted at his brother. Remus looked around. At any point, a profesor could find them. But when did Sirius ever care for consequences? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Were you there? Was it you?' He didn’t even give Regulus a chance to answer before he shook him again and pushed him further into the wall.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Sirius,' Remus addressed him as gently as possible, but there was a need present in his voice that he couldn’t shake off. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sirius snapped his head, teeth bear and fingers gripping Regulus’ collar. Regulus looked at him too, but while Remus knew exactly what Sirius was feeling, he couldn’t deduce anything about Regulus.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> It almost seemed like the boy who stood in front of him had nothing to do with the Regulus he remembered. It was like that day at Hogsmeade when he fought with Sirius, but now he knew. This was not Sirius’ little brother anymore and he thought that in that moment, Sirius realized it, too.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Go away, Remus,' Sirius growled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'I will if you go with me.' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Not before he answers.' He turned his head back to Regulus who was still there, silent and unmoving. He didn’t try to push Sirius away and he didn’t seem to be worried about the situation at all.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'It can wait. Let’s go.' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'No,' Sirius protested. 'No, I need to know. ‘Where were you? Where did you come from?' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'I was just out,' Regulus said as if they were talking about a missing toy not murder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Where? With Lucius? Why are you even friends with him? With all of them. He, Snivellus...they…'</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Finally, this caused Regulus to react in some way. He pushed Sirius aside with such force it made him step back. A level of strength Remus didn’t think Regulus had.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'I don’t question who you hang out with.' With those words he looked at Remus. 'Beasts and all.' </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He knew,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Remus realized. There was just one person who could tell him, only one who knew, who hated Remus for the sake of hating him. Snape. Snape knew. He knew because of Sirius, because of his stupid idea of dragging Snape into the Shrieking Shack during full moon one year. Something, Remus had never quite forgiven or understood. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sirius probably grasped it, too, because he looked at Remus and his face softened. All the words left them and they just stared at each other until a set of steps interrupted them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Mr. Black, Mr. Lupin and...oh, Mr. Black.' Dumbledore stopped next to them. Usually, if he caught them doing something they were not supposed to, there was a hint of a smile. Understanding of someone who was possible quite like them when he was their age. That night, he didn’t smile. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'You should be in your dormitories. Go, at once,' he instructed them. His voice was heavy and grave and neither one of the boys dared to deny him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus grabbed Sirius’ wrist. He told himself it was because he wanted to be sure he wouldn’t turn around and punch Regulus, but in his heart, he knew, it was because he needed to know that Sirius was there, because while their lives were falling around them like house of cards or a whole castle of them, he needed Sirius.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sirius didn’t fight him. He went with him, completely quiet and Remus couldn’t tell what was on his mind. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Go ahead,' Sirius stopped in front of the painting. 'I need to think and I won’t be able to think there.' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Sirius,' Remus addressed him, ready to make all the points about how stupid it was to wander. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'I need to,' he said with an undertone so pathetic, Remus had no choice, but to let go of his wrist.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Alright. But I am going with you. I can’t...you shouldn’t…' Remus couldn’t quite find the right words, but Sirius didn’t seem to care, because he just nodded and then, in the shadows, they moved to where they always went. The Astronomy Tower. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>In the contrast of that night, the tower was quiet. With each step, they could hear the voices less and less and feel each other’s presence more and more, until the sheer fact of them being alone there when everything else was wrong and because everything else was wrong, was so palpable, it was all that was left in the tower. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They sat next to each other in silence for whole minutes, whole years, until Remus said: 'He knows,' because that might help him wrap his head around it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Yes,' Sirius agreed. 'I didn’t tell him.'</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'I know you didn’t.'</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'But it is my fault, you think it is.' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus didn’t reply at once, because if he did, he would either lie and say </span>
  <em>
    <span>no, </span>
  </em>
  <span>or he would say what he wanted to say and what he knew would hurt Sirius and yet, even with this knowledge, he couldn’t lie to him. 'Yes,' he admitted eventually. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'I am sorry,' Sirius said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus wasn’t sure what he was sorry for. The fact that Regulus knew? The fact that he lured Snape into the shack or because of his fight with his brother or because he couldn’t go back to the common room and instead, they were there? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Without making sense of the apology, Remus nodded, because whatever Sirius was apologizing for, he wanted him to know that he acknowledged it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Why did you do it? The thing with Snape?' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There were a lot of things which happened </span>
  <em>
    <span>with </span>
  </em>
  <span>Snape and </span>
  <em>
    <span>to</span>
  </em>
  <span> Snape because of the Marauders. There were also admittedly a lot of things which happened to the Marauders </span>
  <em>
    <span>because of </span>
  </em>
  <span>Snape. But even with this history of hatred and pranks and outright cruelty, it was clear what the thing was. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'You wouldn’t understand,' Sirius said at once, not even giving himself a second to take a breath or to think about it. It was like if he thought about it before, maybe even imagined this conversation taking place. Maybe he practiced several possible replies until the only which was left was this: </span>
  <em>
    <span>You wouldn’t understand.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>And that hurt Remus even more than all the replies that he imagined when he played this conversation in his head, gathering the bravery to one day ask Sirius, because never in those scripts did Sirius say: </span>
  <em>
    <span>You wouldn’t understand. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Until this moment, Remus was positive that whatever happened they would understand each other. Always. But perhaps that was just how he saw it. Perhaps this was just another thing between them which would remain one sided. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was ready to give up, but then he looked at the moon which was slowly losing its roundness and the feeling of passing time washed over him like a typhoon. Mighty and bringing with itself down everything which stood in its way. Breaking, taking. The moon grew and the moon faded. It would always be so. But there was a limited amount of moons he would watch grow and fade with Sirius. With that thought, this stone in his stomach, he said: 'Let me try.' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>What crossed Sirius’ eyes next could only be described as hope. Once again, Remus thought that Sirius had to think about this way too many times, too. But, by the look in his eyes, it never went like this. Good. So, neither one of them was prepared for this well. They were on uncharted grounds, but they were to explore them together. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'I hate him,' Sirius said, then shrugged as if it explained everything or perhaps as if he wanted it to be everything.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'That’s not all. You always hated him. You never tried to kill him. And you never tried to use it against me.' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sirius winced when the truth was told, maybe this was a bit more familiar to him. 'I - I didn’t want to use it against you. It - I did not plan it, ok? It just happened.'</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'You let him there, you planned that.' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Yes, but not...it wasn’t a well thought out plan. I wasn’t plotting it for months. It just all happened at once. What he did, the full moon, the hate.' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'What did he do?' Remus asked. If he had this part of the equation he might be able to figure out what forced Sirius into such recklessness. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'I don’t want to talk about it.'</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was silence then and Remus almost gave up again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'No time for that now.' Remus shook his head. 'I am sorry. I need to know. It is way too long and with everything that is happening - everything that is happening with you I must know. What did he do?' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sirius took his time and Remus wasn't sure he would ever answer. 'It wasn’t just him. It’s all of them. As if it wasn’t enough that Regulus is fed with that idiocy at home, he has to be friends with them, too. They go around, calling people the m-word. They bully, threaten. They ruined him. He wasn’t like this before. Not...not quite like this. Not this much.'</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'And the fighting with Regulus...that’s because of it too?' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sirius nodded and then suddenly, his shoulders sagged and he fell apart. 'He joined them! He joined the Death Eaters. He got the Dark Mark.' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He buried his face into Remus’ chest even before Remus managed to get over the initial shock of hearing what he just heard. Automatically, Remus’ arms wrapped around Sirius, but it was pure muscle memory and it had nothing to do with Remus. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was one thing to spread lies and fear. It was whole another to be a part of it. This, this was the missing piece. The day at the library when Sirius looked so frantic. The fights. The empty look in his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'And I-I am so fucking angry, you know. At all of them. And myself. Because I let this happen, if I didn’t leave him with my fucking family, he would…' the rest of the sentence got drowned in his sobs that ripped through his lips. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sirius’ hand flew to his mouth and his eyes widened a little as if he was embarrassed to be so vulnerable, to cry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus took his hand, deep line forming on his forehead. 'It is not your fault. You had to get out of there. It would kill you there and you know it. You knew it all along. We all did. Merlin, you know how happy I was when you wrote me from the Potters? So no, no. It has nothing to do with you. You did all you could, but...there is just so much we can do sometimes. You can help, but at the end of the day you can’t make decisions for them. Whatever and whoever let him to it, he made that call. Not you.' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sirius stared at him and Remus didn’t think he believed anything he said and in fact, he wasn’t even sure about it twenty seconds later when Sirius pressed his lips on his.  </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter VIII: Destitutione</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Aftermath of the kiss</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><em>Destitutione</em>, latin, noun, meaning:<strong> Disappointment</strong></p><h1>
  <span>Chapter VIII: Destitutione </span>
</h1><p> </p><p>
  <span>The kiss was short. Chaste. Friendly. Unimportant. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And yet, to Remus it was everything, because for a few seconds this was to become his favourite memory. The happiest one. One that he would use when casting Patronus. To Remus, for a few seconds before he realized just how empty it was, it was the most important thing in the world. It filled him completely. Each corner, each thought, everything was devoted to Sirius and his lips. Just until he grasped just how unromantic it was. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was too short. Too friendly. Too unimportant. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Thank you,' Sirius whispered, still so close, Remus could feel his hot breath on his lips, but then Sirius pulled away and used the back of his hand to wipe away his tears.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> Remus looked at the moon again, just so he didn’t have to look at Sirius. 'No problem,' he replied, hoping he masked all the disappointment that threatened to swim to the surface.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'We should head back,' Remus said. There was more to be said, perhaps even more than when they entered the tower, but he didn’t think he could be alone with Sirius any longer without breaking. He was already too torn apart and he was only sewn together with a loose thread that could snap at the seams at any moment. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sirius nodded and stood up. He took a deep breath in and offered his hand to Remus to help him stand up, but Remus pretended not to see as he climbed to his feet.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was so much chaos in the common room no one noticed them until they were in their bedroom where Pete sat alone, shoulders sagged and eyes fixed on his hands. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus and Sirius exchanged a short glance as they walked in. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Pete? Doing alright?' Remus asked, though it was silly, because he obviously wasn’t alright and Remus would be much surprised, maybe even worried, if he was. No one and nothing was alright. </span>
</p><p>
  <span> Pete looked at them. His eyes were a little puffy as if he cried the whole time they were gone. Remus went to sit down next to him. 'James is with Lily?' he asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pete nodded. 'I needed quiet.' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'We did, too,' Sirius said, even though Remus wouldn’t compare the situations. No. Pete sitting here alone was an antithesis of Sirius fighting with his brother, getting caught by Dumbledore and then sitting together in the astronomy tower and sharing a kiss. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'I don’t get it, you know. The things that are happening,' Pete admitted. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'We don’t get it either. I don’t think anyone does. Not even the professors,' Remus said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Hogsmeade is so close. And twice?' Pete’s voice got high pitched at the end and he had to clear his throat to bring his voice down again. 'Twice,' he whispered then. Remus wasn’t sure if he did it to see if his voice sounded normal now or if he just couldn’t believe it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'But no one will get to Hogwarts,' Remus tried to cheer him up and hopefully, in the process, cheer himself, too. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'And even if they do...we have Dumbledore,' Sirius added. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sirius sat on the bed next to Pete’s so he was facing them. Remus smiled at him thankfully. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Yeah, that’s right.' Pete chuckled. Remus didn’t know why. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'And we have each other,' Remus said next, not sure if he meant it until it was out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As if summoned, James entered the room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'What was that about having each other? Are you all crying that I have a girlfriend and you don’t?' James. He never failed to joke in the most inappropriate situation. And Remus was never more grateful for it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Does Evans know you are calling her that?' Sirius asked, his voice ringing with sudden amusement. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Surely,' James said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Surely is just a better way of saying: I know that she doesn’t and if I bring it up she says no, so I say nothing at all,' Remus teased and in return got hit in the back of his head with a pillow. The pillow also hit Pete who, to the shock of all of them, laughed. Within a single minute, the whole group grabbed their pillows and jumped from bed to bed, squealed and laughed and hit and shielded and cried until they were all on their backs on the ground, panting. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'We do have each other,' James said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They slept on the ground, pressed to one another that night. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The classes went on and so did the investigation of the murders. The gloominess that overtook the castle was only accentuated by the weather. In the two weeks that followed after the murders at Hogsmeade, it rained relentlessly and when it didn’t rain, the sky was grey. Even at night, the clouds filled the sky like a thick screen of fume and it even covered the moon. All that could be seen of it was a smudge of light which made it impossible to know the shape of the moon behind it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus tried to avoid Sirius. This was, of course, impossible. They shared a bedroom and several classes and they spent a large portion of their free time practicing defense spells in the Room of Requirement. So, when he had to be with him, he tried to look anywhere but at him and he made sure they were never alone. The pain of knowing how little it meant to Sirius was almost as consuming as the pain of the transformation. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Hey, you’re coming to practice today after classes, right?' Sirius asked Remus before their class started. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus looked out of the window and frowned: 'They are having a practice today?'</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'They? What-oh. No. I meant. Practice.' Sirius said the last word with raised eyebrows and the wheels in Remus’ brain set into action again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Oh,' he breathed out once he realized the practice in question was not Quidditch, but </span>
  <em>
    <span>their </span>
  </em>
  <span>practice. 'Of course.' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Good,' Sirius said.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Remus didn’t want to practice that day. He didn’t want to do anything, but crawl under the covers of his bed and sleep through the next full moon and the one after and just sleep till everything got better. And for a brief moment when the tightness in his chest got unbearable and he had to stop and press his back against the cold stone wall of the castle to catch his breath, he thought he would try it. Ditch the boys, climb in his bed, forget about everything. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But instead, he slipped in the room, all the boys already there and he muttered a quick apology about being late, which was about as sincere as his smile which he gave to Pete who looked like he wanted to be anywhere but there. Somehow, Pete always appeared like he wanted to be somewhere else, no matter where he was. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They began with simple defence spells, then they moved to harder ones. When they practiced Patronus, Sirius failed to bring back the silver dog Remus remembered. This wouldn’t be odd were it not for how easily he conjured incorporeal Patronus. It never wavered anymore and he could hold it for as long as he wanted. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus managed to call for his wolf more now, but he was far from mastering the spell. Sometimes, there was nothing, sometimes, it didn’t take shape. But Sirius’ progress wasn’t inconsistent. There just was </span>
  <em>
    <span>none</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>James’ stag ran around the chamber in circles and the boys watched it carefully as if it could get away. Secretly, Remus was a little jealous. He would take any of their Patronuses - even Pete’s rat that rarely made an appearance - if it meant he could lose his wolf. He could never use it in public anyway. It was too dangerous. Someone could make the connection.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> And then he felt guilty, because though he would never admit it, the wolf was </span>
  <em>
    <span>his </span>
  </em>
  <span>wolf, it was him and the thought of pushing it away was like pushing away his child. It confused and angered him, it twisted his stomach, made it impossible to eat, because deep inside he knew the thought was wrong, but he wasn’t able to digest it. To accept who he was. He wasn’t sure he ever would be. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Merlin,' James murmured and the stag disappeared. 'I have a date with Lils.' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sirius made a gagging sound. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Not that kind of date.' James rolled his eyes. 'Actual date. I am taking her somewhere.'</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Where?' Remus enquired, more from fear about their safety than curiosity. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Well, the initial plan was Hosmeade, but…' he didn’t have to finish that sentence for all of them to know why he had to come up with a new plan. 'So we’re having a picking in the forest.' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The fact that the forest had become the safer option for them to visit spoke about the safety of the world at that moment. It made Remus’ even sicker and for a second, he thought he would puke. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Ok, see you later!' James waved at them, already halfway out of the door. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'It’s almost dinner time,' Pete announced. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Great, I am starving.' Sirius patted his belly. 'We are working too much.' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus didn’t say anything. He didn’t think he could eat dinner. Even if it wasn’t for the strange feeling in his stomach, his appetite was completely gone. There was no food he could think of that would be appealing. Not even dark chocolate. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'You know what? I’ll skip dinner today,' he said as they walked out into an empty hallway, the door disappearing behind them as if they were never there.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Are you sure?' Sirius asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Yeah. Quite sure,' Remus replied. He forced his lips to curve into what he hoped was a kind smile. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Alone in the bedroom, he finally let out a deep sigh that felt as if he emptied all the air from his lungs and for a second he was empty before he breathed in again. He let his legs go weak and fold under him. His back slid down the wall and he tilted his head back, just ever so slightly, as if he was turning his face to the sun. But instead, there was just the ceiling in their empty bedroom and the drumming of the rain on the windowsills. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t realize he closed his eyes, or that he must have sat there for minutes until a voice above him said: 'What’s wrong with you?' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus opened his eyes to Sirius who stood above him, plate in hand. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>What’s wrong with you? </span>
  </em>
  <span>The wording of the question aggravated him, it ruffled the most animalistic and barbaric parts of him. He felt the anger rise, the wolf inside him howled, as the question rang in his ears. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>What was wrong with him? </span>
  </em>
  <span>Everything. How about everything? He was a werewolf who was crushing on one of his best friends and the worst part of it wasn’t just the bare fact that these things ever were, but the fact that the world was falling apart and his crush was what bothered him the most.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wanted to scream all of it. Yell it at Sirius, get it out and then run. Away. He didn’t know where, but he knew he wanted to run. And scream. He wanted to run and scream. Preferably at the same time. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But instead, he said, quite calmly: 'Nothing.' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sirius sat down next to him and pushed the plate in Remus’ hand. It was a slice of chocolate cake. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'I know you like it,' Sirius explained.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And suddenly, Remus was happy that he didn’t scream or run and he was happy because somehow that little thing was just exactly what he needed. And he didn’t even feel sick anymore, because there was Sirius and a slice of chocolate cake and then there were two forks and they shared the cake in silence and when did he ever need more?</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter IX: Obscurum</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Darkness came to Hogwarts</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><em>Obscurum</em>, latin, noun. Meaning:<strong> Unknown,</strong> darkness</p><p>
  <b>Chapter IX: Obscurum</b>
</p><p>There were more attacks. The Daily Prophet had to reserve an entire page for updates which, on most days, included names of the fallen. Remus hated that they called them <em> The Fallen. </em> They did not fall. They did not die in a war, in a battle, where they enlisted willingly, understanding the risk. No. The people were murdered. They were killed in their own homes and on their way home. Whole families, all ranks, all ages. Linked by a single aspect. The 'impurity' of their blood. </p><p>The darkness entered Hogwarts. Once it got over the borders, it settled there and became an unmistakable part of their lives. Palpable enough to be a figure, looming in the hallways, waiting to point its finger at another student who would disappear to mourn a family member.</p><p>The discomfort Remus felt anytime he was with Sirius got better  and sometimes, he even thought he was getting over him and that he could actually find it in him to live like this. And the truth was, he no longer had the strength to keep his distance or to push Sirius away, because with everything going on, he needed his light. He needed him to shine through the darkness, because if he didn’t, he thought it might drown him. </p><p>He wondered if Lily had similar thoughts going through her head as she held James’ hand. As she gave up on turning him down. As she laid her head on his shoulder. As she kissed his cheek. As she did all the things Remus wanted to do to Sirius, but never could.</p><p>Remus waited for Regulus to spread the rumours about his lycanthropy, but to his surprise, it never came. He wondered if it was because he remembered his early days at Hogwarts when he ran behind the Marauders, when he wanted to play with them, and when Remus did play with him. Or if it was just because the information wasn’t important to him. If he had more on his mind than to care about Remus. </p><p>When he met Regulus in the hallways, what became less and less common, he would just glance at him with those unreadable eyes of his and he wouldn’t say a word. Somehow, Remus thought he could see the Dark Mark on his forearm. It was like he could feel its presence through the layers of fabric. He never actually saw it. The only reason he knew it was there was because Sirius told him and so he believed it because <em> Sirius told him. </em></p><p>There were nights when he dreamt about Sirius joining the Death Eaters. In some scenarios, he said goodbye to Remus. He even kissed him sometimes and told him he loved him and that he had to do it for Regulus. In other, he shouted at him that he was a monster and that he was a lunatic for thinking Sirius would ever want to be with someone who wasn't pure blood. In some dreams, Sirius tortured him, his mad cackle sounding all around them. The skull and serpent on his forearm pulsating as he got ready to kill Remus. And with all these variants, Remus never fought back. </p><p>But then he woke up and Sirius was there, in his bed, sometimes awake, sometimes sleeping, but he was always there and he was always kind. And Remus could only hate his mind for ever secretly thinking, Sirius would betray them. Betray him. </p><p>They sat at breakfast, Lily with them, as an honorary member of the group almost, when the owls came. They dropped parcels on the tables, letters, rolled up newspapers and more darkness. </p><p>A shriek bolted from the Ravenclaw table and Remus closed his eyes as if it pierced his eardrums. Sirius stilled next to him and when Remus opened his eyes, he saw how his knuckles turned white and his fingers curled into fists under the table. Remus slowly moved his hand closer to him, over his thigh and to his wrist. He grabbed it gently and he circled his thumb over the protruding veins under his skin. Sirius looked at him, jaw tight. </p><p>'It’s alright,' Remus said, not knowing why, because it was not alright. There was nothing about it which would be <em> alright, </em>but it felt like the thing that people should say at this point and so he said it.</p><p>As if tugging on a bow, Sirius’ fist unfurled and he grabbed Remus’ hand. Tight and needy as a child scared of monsters under his bed. Remus squeezed back in what he hoped to be a reassuring gesture. The touch of Sirius’ skin, the warmth of his palm, the soft tremor that only Remus could know of, was somehow what Remus needed, too. He needed to know that Sirius was still there, still Sirius. Not the man from his dreams, but the boy he knew, <em> his Sirius.  </em></p><p>When James stood up and announced they should get into class, which felt so wrong and so ridiculous, Sirius and Remus let go of each other at the same moment. At the class, Remus sat next to Pete and James and Sirius sat in front of them and Remus noticed that Sirius didn’t even bother to pretend to take notes. </p><p>In the middle of the class, Sirius’ voice interrupted McGonagall, who was so shocked by this sudden outburst, she didn’t even chide him. 'Why does no one teach us how to fight?' </p><p>'Mr. Black,' she let out, her voice softening in a way Remus never heard before. 'Don’t you have Defense Against the Dark Arts?' </p><p>'Yes, but that is it. It is defense. We learn how to defend ourselves, but we are never taught how to attack.'</p><p>Remus frowned and so did McGonagall. 'Why would you want to learn how to attack someone?' she asked patiently. </p><p>'Because there is a war going on. We cannot pretend like it doesn’t exist. Defense is not enough,' he protested. </p><p>All the sound in the class subsided. The quills stopped whispering to the paper, the chairs stopped squeaking and even the wind outside seemed to cease, curious to see how the conversation would play out. </p><p>The professor let out a sigh. She walked around her desk, so she was closer to the students, and she folded her hands in front of her body. 'I know you are all worried. I would consider you to be a fool if you were not, but I can assure you that Hogwarts is safe and you don’t have to worry about fighting. There are skilled Aurors who are doing everything in their power to stop-' </p><p>Sirius interrupted her: 'Well, they are obviously not doing enough. The ministry isn’t. And we are just expected to sit here and wait to read who died in the papers? And what of when the school year ends? Will we still be safe?' </p><p>Remus almost whispered to Sirius to stop, that he cannot talk to a teacher like that, but he was too curious to hear her reply, because at the end of the day, Sirius was right. </p><p>'All of this might be over before the school year ends. For now, concentrate on your studies. Your future,' she said, her kind voice slowly changing back into the strict, distinct tone it always was. </p><p>Somehow, Remus didn’t think she believed it herself. </p><p>After this, she returned to the previous topic and when the class ended, she asked Sirius to stay. The three remaining Marauders looked at him and wouldn’t leave until he nodded. </p><p>'I hope she won’t give him more detention,' Pete murmured when they were out of the class.</p><p>'He can’t do more detention, there isn’t enough time till the end of the year for him to go through all of his previous detentions,' James reminded them. </p><p>Remus watched the closed door for a bit. If McGonagall wanted to give him detention, she would do it immediately. Not to mention she wouldn’t just give detention to someone who was asking a question. Even if they were rude. </p><p>'He is right though,' James said. 'And it’s good that he told her.' </p><p>Remus nodded, eyes still fixed on the door. They were all right. The boys about needing to learn how to fight and she about reminding them that they were still children and should act like it. They were not soldiers. </p><p>But he knew wars. Wars always killed the innocent. The soldiers ran out. Regular people without experience or training would come and they would go. It was simple and ever turning. Wars were the perpetuum mobile of humanity. People would, sooner or later, always find a way to fight. Whether with weapons and shed blood, or through numbers and smart devices. </p><p>The boys stood there, waiting for Sirius to come out for a few minutes, but when he didn’t, Pete said he needed to get to another class. </p><p>'So do I,' James said. </p><p>'I will wait. I have a free period,' Remus offered with a soft smile. The boys nodded and left. </p><p>He leaned against the wall, waiting. It finally stopped raining and even though the sun had yet to appear, they could go out. </p><p>When, after some time, Sirius walked out, nearly missing Remus. </p><p>'Hey!' Remus called, peeling his body off the wall. Sirius stopped mid-step and turned his head to the sound. </p><p>It was impossible to read his mind, but it was easy to tell that whatever McGonagall told him in there left its imprint.</p><p>'Have you been waiting for me?' Sirius asked as if it wasn’t obvious. </p><p>'Yeah. Pete and Prongs had to get to a class, but...I didn’t.' </p><p>'I should go, too, but...I think I’ll ditch it. Do you want to take a walk?' </p><p>The offer was so simple, so kind, so innocent. Remus had no other way but to accept. </p><p> </p><p>The ground was soaked with water and the soil created a thick layer of mud. There were so many puddles the grounds surrounding the castle looked like the extension of the lake. </p><p>They walked in silence, until they were in the forest and then, as if the trees could somehow shield them from everything, Remus asked: 'What did she tell you?'</p><p>Sirius shrugged. 'Some wise nonsense as always.'</p><p>Remus half-smiled. 'Ok. Do you want to talk about it.'</p><p>Sirius shook his head.</p><p>'Well, I think it’s great that you asked,' Remus said, just to make sure that Sirius knew that he was on his side on this. Even when he was on McGonagall's side, too. </p><p>Sirius hummed something.</p><p>He remembered Pete’s question. 'Did she give you detention?' </p><p>'No.' </p><p>'That’s good. Otherwise you would have to stay here for another year,' he tried to joke, but he wasn’t sure if it made anything better or it just made the air heavier. </p><p>'Maybe two,' Sirius said to Remus’ relief.</p><p>'Or three.' </p><p>'Or till I am old. Maybe I could do the rest of detention when I am dead. As a ghost, you know?' </p><p>Remus chuckled. 'You would be a great addition to the castle.' </p><p>'I know. If I die, I’ll do that.' </p><p>'If you die?' Remus repeated, a smile dancing on his lips. 'Because it is a question of if and not when?' </p><p>'Exactly,' Sirius affirmed. </p><p>They glanced at each other and then burst out laughing and for a second, it was like the old times. It was before the crush and the war. They were just two friends, making stupid jokes. There was nothing that could ever beat them, not even death itself. </p><p>'Maybe we could all be,' Remus suggested. </p><p>Sirius thought about it. 'James would love that.'</p><p>'Pete would too, I think.' </p><p>Sirius opened his mouth to say something, but in that moment, a string of light flashed between the trees and four figures appeared in front of them in black cloaks. Instinctively, Remus reached for his wand. They were wearing masks and it seemed like they hadn't spotted them. </p><p>One of the figures took off their hood, familiar black waves springing out of it. And then he took the mask off and there was no doubt now. It was Regulus. </p><p>Without thinking about it, Remus covered Sirius’ mouth with his hand and he used his other arm to wrap it around his middle, holding him close to his chest, before he could even think about launching himself forward. </p><p>Sirius struggled in Remus’ grip, but Remus wasn’t going to give up. He called for each single muscle in his body, he used all the strength he had and all the will, too, just to keep him at place.</p><p>A stench of dark magic found its way to them. Something wet fell on his hand. It took him a second to realize, they were Sirius’ tears. He stopped resisting and instead, he cried as they watched the figures walk away. </p><p>And when they were gone, too far to be seen or heard, Remus let them both fall on the ground and into the mud and wet grass and he kept holding Sirius as the first of his whimpers sounded through the forest.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter X: Cruciamen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>"He could bear Sirius not saying he liked him, but he couldn’t bear Sirius saying he didn’t like him." </p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><strong>Cruciamen</strong>, latin, noun. <em>Meaning</em>: <strong>torture, pain</strong></p><h2>
  <span>Chapter X: Cruciamen </span>
</h2><p>
  <span>Sirius’ back was pressed to Remus as Remus half wrapped his legs around him, holding him tight as he sobbed into cold air. The rain returned, it found its way through the trees and it fell on them, the water quickly getting through their clothes and to their skin. Sirius didn’t seem to notice. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Hey,' Remus put his hand on his cheek and forced Sirius to look at him. 'We should get out of here.' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sirius watched, eyes full of sorrow, face red. His sobs ceased for a second. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'I failed him,' he whispered as if it was the darkest secret. As if it was worse than the sheer fact that Regulus was one of them. It was more than a mark now. He was working with them. Willingly and actively. They couldn’t even tell anyone that Death Eaters were at Hogwarts, because one of them was Sirius’ little brother. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'No you didn’t,' Remus replied quickly. 'You didn’t.' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'I shouldn’t have run away,' Sirius lamented as if he didn’t even hear Remus.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'You should have. You had to. We’ve been over this, Sirius. You had to go. You had to,' Remus kept repeating the last words as a prayer, hoping that they would get to Sirius’ ears. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sirius shifted in his arms a little. 'How do you know I did the right thing?' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus hesitated. 'I don’t. But neither do you. I don’t know if you did the right thing and you can’t know if you did the wrong one.'</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sirius watched him in silence then. His hair was plastered to the sides of his face and his eyes sparked the sort of madness he sometimes saw when a prank went too far, or when he fought with someone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>With the tips of his fingers, he gently pushed the wet strands of black hair aside. 'You have to accept that you can’t protect everyone. He is old enough to make his own decisions. He could have ran away, too. He could have gone with you. You can’t blame yourself for the choices of others.' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The rain and the whispers of the trees were loud and so Remus took care to pronounce each word carefully and loud, because he needed Sirius to finally understand.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sirius didn’t reply. He kept watching him, head tilted up, eyes wide. And then, with a quick snap of his head, he grabbed the back of Remus’ neck and he forced his lips on his again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was nothing like the kiss they shared in the tower. There was nothing friendly about the way. Sirius held onto Remus for dear life or the way he parted his lips and turning it into much more than a compassionate peck. Remus tightened his arms around him, supporting a large portion of his weight as he laid there in his arms, lips joined together in a promise. They were kissing at last. Sirius tasted like salt and honey and his lips were plump and soft and he was everything Remus ever wished for.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sirius’ tongue prodded against Remus’ lips, begging for more and against his better judgment, Remus allowed it. Surrounded by the pure smell of rain and fir trees and the heavy overwhelming smell of soil, with broken Sirius, in his arms, Remus got what he was daydreaming of for months. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He couldn’t even feel the cold anymore and he didn’t care that they shouldn’t be there. All he cared about, all he could think of, was Sirius and his lips and his hand which was still pressed to the back of his neck, so he couldn’t escape. But escape was not on his mind. Instead he wanted to stop the time or to turn it over and over, so he could live in this moment forever. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And then, the fog in his mind began to dissolve, he started thinking clearly again and pulled away. Immediately, not even taking a breath, Sirius pulled him in again, but Remus closed his eyes and grabbed the hand which still clung to the back of his neck and he pushed it off, his hand now holding Sirius’.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'I am sorry,' Remus said. 'I didn’t want to take advantage of you.' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sirius frowned. 'What are you talking about? Take advantage of me? I kissed you.' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sirius sat up, his hand slipping from Remus’. Remus bit his lip, eyes filling with tears. He tried to blink them away, but he was sure Sirius could see.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'You are distressed and you are not thinking clearly.' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Yes, I am, but I know what I am doing.'</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Sirius, you are only doing this, so you don’t have to think about your brother. You don’t actually want this.'</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Don’t tell me what I want!' Sirius shouted, scrambling to his feet. He was covered in dirt and fir and he looked even madder than before. 'I know what I want!' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus stood up, too, slower. He shook his head. 'You don’t mean any of this. You don’t actually have feelings for me, you just need to forget, and I am here, but you will regret it when you calm down.' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Yes, I will, but not because of the reasons you think!' he shouted and then he closed his mouth shut until it was just a thin line and his jaw was tight. He seemed like he wanted to say something, something that would cross a line and there would be no coming back from it. Whatever it was - good or bad - he swallowed it and Remus never knew what those words would have been. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sirius turned his back to him and he marched away from the forest and from Remus. And when he was alone, Remus could finally cry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Without Sirius’ kisses to keep him warm, the chill crawled under his clothes and to his skin quickly. And yet, he didn’t rush back to the castle. He dragged his feet through the mud, his tears mixing with the rain. It got hard to see and he had to walk almost blind at places. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sirius entered the bedroom with a towel wrapped around his waist the same time Remus finally arrived there, completely exhausted. He could still make it in time for his last classes of the day, but that day, school did not bother him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sirius looked at him shortly, then he turned away and went to his dresser. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Are we going to talk about it?' Remus asked, when he couldn’t bear the silence. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'You said what you wanted to say,' Sirius reminded him, rummaging through the dresser. 'Turn around.' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus let out a sigh, but did as he was told. It wasn’t like he had never seen Sirius naked before. He saw all of them naked and they saw him. Secrets like these were soon gone in a space like this and yet he understood the order. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t think he could look at Sirius naked now without thinking about the kiss - or ever. He didn’t even think he could ever look at Sirius dressed without thinking about the kiss. Or that he could do anything in the world again not thinking about it. It was forever imprinted in his mind and there was no running away from it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'You can turn around now,' Sirius said, calmer than Remus expected. He did. Sirius was wearing his pyjama bottoms and a black t-shirt, which was a little too small for him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'I just - I just wish you understood where I am going with this,' Remus said, though he wasn’t necessarily sure where he was going with it. In fact, he was not sure about anything at that moment, but the fact that nothing would ever be better than Sirius kissing him. Apart from Sirius kissing him again - maybe with less crying this time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'I understand. You are mad that I kissed you. And you are blaming yourself for it, because that’s just what you do.' Sirius threw his hands in the air and crossed the space between him and his bed and sat down. When he spoke up, his voice was softer, less anxious, sadder: 'Because that's what you always do. You blame yourself for things you had nothing to with. You should take a bath,' Sirius suggested. 'You’re dirty.' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus took out his wand and with a quick mumble, he casted a cleaning spell. It wasn’t even half as pleasing as a bath. A bath made him feel like he was cleaner than before, but a spell made him feel like the impurity was never there.. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sirius rolled his eyes, but he didn’t protest when Remus sat down on his own bed, facing Sirius. 'Can we talk now?' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'What do you want to talk about?' Sirius’ voice was a little louder again. 'You already know everything, you act like you know what I want and how I feel - like you know me better than I know myself.' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Guilt crept up to Remus’ conscience. Maybe, Sirius was right. He did think he knew him better than he knew himself, but now when he heard it outloud, it sounded ridiculous. He looked down as if he was in undeniable need to study the tips of his shoes. His thoughts fought with each other, struggled to get into place and right order and when they did, Remus looked up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Well, how do you feel?' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'Right now? Like shit.' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus had to smile at that, because he </span>
  <em>
    <span>did </span>
  </em>
  <span>know that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'When I saw him there...for the first time I realized I might have to fight him one day. I can fight my family, but not him,' Sirius admitted. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A sting of pain found its way to Remus’ heart. He never thought of that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>'It won’t come to that,' Remus offered, but deep inside he knew, it might and it probably will. 'And...I don’t think he would want to fight you either. Even when things ended the way they did, he loves you. He always did and somewhere in his heart, he is still that little boy who ran after us, begging to do whatever we were up to.' </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sirius didn’t reply at once. He looked aside, watching something behind the window. Remus was patient with him. He allowed the silence to form itself like an empty journal where they could write down their thoughts before they were ready to share them with each other. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>'I am sorry I kissed you,' Sirius said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lips parted in surprise, Remus looked at him, loss of words. Apology from Sirius was a rare thing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Before Remus figured out what to say, Sirius added: 'I-I needed to feel something else. Even if just for a second. It was unfair of me to use you like that.' </span>
</p><p><span>Remus wanted to tell him that he didn’t use him and that it was all he ever wanted, but if Sirius regretted it, there was no point admitting it. It would only cause Remus more pain and his heart was already full of it. He could bear Sirius not saying he liked him, but h</span>e couldn’t bear Sirius saying he didn’t like him. </p><p><span>'It’s ok. We don’t have to talk about it ever again,' Remus whispered so quietly, he almost hoped Sirius didn’t hear,</span> because if he did, it was a closed matter and it all ended.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This story is finished, but I will be posting new chapters once a week, (apart from the first chapter, which will be published later this week). I think Thursday or Friday might be the best, but we'll see. I would love to hear your thoughts. Thank you for reading. I hope you stick around.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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